I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
