my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
