I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
