I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
