my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
