What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
