just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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