Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
