Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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