The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
