dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
