Can Purell be used as lube?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
