Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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