Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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