Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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