Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
