life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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