My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
