i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You made out with two different species that night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
