Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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