it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
