mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
