Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
