I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
