Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
