he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
