I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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