my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
