24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
