can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
