Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
