So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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