I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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