if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
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