I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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