Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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