Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I need moral support for this bender
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
