trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
