Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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