Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
