and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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