I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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