census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
