How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
