Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
