the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Still dying that you shit outside
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
