I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
