Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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