Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
