Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
